Finding Herself
by jenbachand
Summary: Sara has a magical Christmas moment. What I wish happened for my favorite couple over Christmas. This is my overdue Secret Santa fic for phdelicious. Thanks to the always lovely mingsmommy for the beta. Grissom Sara Fluff.


**TITLE:** Finding Herself  
**AUTHOR:** jenbachand  
**PAIRING:** Grissom/Sara  
**RATING:** Teen  
**SUMMARY:** Sara has a magical Christmas moment.  
**DISCLAIMER:** I made no money from the writing of this fic.  
**NOTES:** What I wish happened for my favorite couple over Christmas. This is my overdue Secret Santa fic for phdelicious. Thanks to the always lovely mingsmommy for the beta.

* * *

She was a coward.

She was hiding at this mountain cabin on the other side of the state, when she could be home in bed, curled up next to warm male human, with warm male dog warming her feet. Or wrapping presents and baking cookies in an effort to get ready for their little holiday for three. Instead she was sitting in a drafty cabin, wrapped up in a blanket, trying to stay warm by the fireplace.

When she had fled Las Vegas in an act of desperation to change something, anything, in her life, she had no idea where the road would take her other than the desperate urge she felt to reconnect with her mother.

But Gil Grissom was her drug of choice and after two strung out days, she had called him, sobbing. After some gentle words of reassurance, and a solemn vow that he wouldn't toss her stuff in the trash, she calmed enough to let him in on her whereabouts. His love creeping through her veins and calming her nerves, she should have known she was too far gone, had been addicted to him too long, to have even tried to go cold turkey.

She didn't want to quit him, just find herself. The one she lost somewhere in the desert or back in California all those years ago. The one that smiled a lot and laughed more. The one that didn't see death and destruction everywhere she looked.

So she had fled her home and the love of her life, to try and reconnect with her love of life. Slowly, letting him back in through e-mails and letters and the semi-infrequent-vaguely-regular phone calls they shared. She sent pictures to his phone of the places she visited, and he told her stories of the dog's antics and the new recipes he was trying to master before she came home.

The visit with her mother had been a balm to her injured soul. They mended the bond broken so many years ago and became, not quite mother and daughter, but friends, and that was a good start. From her mother's home, she traveled up the coast some, enjoying the humidity and the soothing sounds of the ocean. A brochure at a roadside diner, promised quiet and seclusion, prompted her to beat a retreat to a cabin in the Lake Tahoe area.

But she hadn't called him in almost two weeks now. Even though she had phone service. Even though she could have called and he would have dropped everything to come to her. She couldn't call him because of what happened when she got sick. Or what she had thought to be sick.

The first time they had made love after her rescue had been magical. He had gone with her to the doctor for her final x-rays and check-up. When she had been declared physically healed, Gil had driven her home and kissed her so gently she thought she would cry. She knew he was trying to tell her all the things he had trouble putting into words, all the things he'd held onto for so long, and with that one kiss tell her how dear she was to him.

He'd changed the sheets at some point in the day and brought in flowers, Stargazer Lilies, white and pink and so fragrant, the scent was almost overwhelming. As he gently undressed her, kissing every faded scrape and barely yellowish bruise the tears came. He kissed them away too. Slowly they made their way to the bed and as they made love in the afternoon sun, she didn't think there had been a more perfect day in all her life.

And the thought she hadn't been on birth control since her desert ordeal never crossed her mind.

But a few weeks ago she had come down with a stomach bug. It caused her to throw up everything that entered her digestive system and made her so sleepy that 10 hours a night was just the beginning of her sleep. When she complained to Grissom, he had been concerned and had threatened to use the lab's GPS system to track her phone. She assured him she'd be fine and would pick up some supplies on her way to the cabin.

She picked up some supplies. Crackers and Sprite, some Ramen, and as she was walking down the "personal care" aisle of the little country store, panic set in. Then, she had passed by the pregnancy tests. As she stood there slack-jawed, she started counting. When the numbers didn't come out to what she wanted, she grabbed one of each brand, tossed them in the basket and made her way to the checkout. If the clerk thought anything odd, she was kind enough to not say anything to an increasingly panicky Sara.

And she had taken every one of those tests that night. Peeing more than she'd had to since her last round of employment screening tests, and getting the same result 3 times.

She was a coward.

Because even though she could be home, even though, maybe, _maybe_, Gil might be excited about the possibility of Baby Grissom, she had that niggling voice in her mind. The one that always told her that he didn't want her in the first place; an evil voice of doubt that whispered things in her mind to make her doubt his love for her.

The sound of a dog barking and a human whistling was not something unheard of in the mountains, but one so close to her cabin had Sara on her feet in an instant. Her gun was snatched up off the end table where it had rested for the last two weeks. The sound of knocking at her door had her shaking.

"Who's there?" she asked.

"Sara," her heart leapt at the sound of his voice. "Honey, it's me. Please, open the door." He was here. He had cheated and probably tracked her cell, but he was here, and her heart was singing. She flung open the door and at his smile, jumped in his arms.

"You cheated. You said you wouldn't use the lab," she smiled and then kissed him. Hank was barking and jumping and covering her arm and leg and anything else he could reach with his ever-present dog drool. She petted him as best she could while wrapped up in Grissom's hug.

"I was worried," he cupped her cheek. "And Hank has been whining since I started decorating for the holidays, so we came to check on you and take you home." He was using that low, sweet tone that always turned her bones to liquid. Gazing at her as if there had never been anything so beautiful; and that was always how she felt around him. He leaned into her and kissed her, one of those passionately heated kisses that only he could give her. No one kissed her the way Gil Grissom did.

"I'm ready to come home, Gil. I love you." Sara's eyes were getting misty and her nose was probably red, but she was so glad to see him she didn't care how she looked. "And there's something we need to talk about."

Sitting by the fireplace back on their side of the state, basking in the glow of the Christmas tree, warm man curled at her back stroking her belly and drooling dog warming her feet, Sara couldn't help but think that she had found herself, or at least found the part that smiled a lot and laughed more. And finding that had been the best Christmas present ever.


End file.
